6. How Do I Love Myself Again?
How Do I Love Myself Again?
Do you notice having a difficult time saying kind things about yourself? Maybe you’ve struggled with believing negative thoughts about yourself that others have said? As hard, or impossible, as it may seem to overcome these thoughts and find loveable things about yourself, it is always possible! In this article, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in treating trauma and helping people heal from past traumatic issues will share some research-based and practical ways to overcome the question of “how do I love myself again?” and shift that to “there are many things that I love about myself!”
“Loving myself feels impossible.” This is a common phrase that many throughout the community and world hear within their minds and, unfortunately, believe to be true. In the culture of human-kind, we are often taught to love others and to treat others with kindness, but are we the exception? Do we need to love ourselves or treat ourselves with kindness? Surely that’s selfish, right? If you’re thinking that, and believing that, I wish that I could reach through this screen, lift up your chin, and let you know how false those statements are. You absolutely deserve to love yourself and you definitely deserve kindness!
Where do I even begin?
As simple as it may seem to say, “Today, I’m going to look myself in the mirror and tell myself that I love and care about myself and say many kind things about myself!” it’s actually pretty difficult for most people; however, this principle of speaking positive words of affirmation to yourself while looking at yourself in the mirror is one that can bring great power to your life!
So, where do you begin? Start small. Begin with looking at yourself in the eyes when looking in the mirror and say something you truly like about yourself, or some positive truth about yourself. It may feel a bit awkward and cheesy at first, but it gets better! Once you have mastered being able to say one thing that you truly like about yourself or one positive truth about yourself, say another. And another. And another. Try to say as many as you can. The more the merrier!
Something helpful along this process is writing down in a journal all of the things that you say to yourself. Feel free to repeat this list to yourself daily and continue to add to it! At some given day, you’ll be able to look yourself in the eye and say, “I love myself!” Oh, what freedom that brings! How transformational that can be!
What if I don’t believe myself?
That’s a very valid and good question. The answer to that may seem really simple: You may not believe yourself at first, and that’s okay. Give yourself grace, knowing that true love isn’t built or developed overnight. A solid relationship takes time and effort to build, and so will your relationship with yourself. Work through the false statements that you’ve heard over the years, debunking them and processing through them with a trusted friend, loved one, or therapist. They can help you uncover true statements about yourself that are positive, uplifting, and kind.
Whenever you come across a shame-filled thought that is either in your own voice or the voice of someone else, combat that thought with one of compassion, such as “I’m allowed to feel this. I can feel compassionate about myself. I’m still healing and this will take time.” Throughout this healing journey, practice allowing compliments in, rather than deflecting them. Oftentimes, we think that we’re being prideful if we say “thank you” to different compliments, but it’s totally okay to just say “thank you” and allow the compliment to soak in and become part of you! You don’t have to allow negative mantras from your past to define who you can become in the future.
Something that I really loved that my gymnastics coach would say often: “Practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice makes permanent.” As you practice these positive, uplifting, and kind statements and repeating them to yourself daily (and sometimes even multiple times per day), and continuing to treat yourself with compassion, they will become permanent within you!
How do I heal when so much damage has been done?
This can be a loaded question, but it’s one that many struggle with. This is the type of question that deserves someone to sit by your side, put their hand on your shoulder, and sit with you in these difficult emotions and circumstances. Something that I will say in response to this question:
You deserve healing and are not damaged beyond repair.
To simply put it, if you struggle with this question, give yourself some grace and seek out professional help and support. As you meet with a qualified trauma therapist, you’ll walk away with much more than just simple skills to cope with these difficulties. You will find healing that will carry on throughout your lifetime, allowing you to reclaim the love that you deserve to feel and are worthy of. You’re worth it!
Contact us to learn more about how to uncover and reclaim the love that you can have for yourself through trauma therapy or Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART)! We’d love to help you discover the best version of you that you can find.
